Artemis Fowl and the Disappearing Popcorn
by Sarellis
Summary: Artemis, faced with many decisions, must choose: Minerva or Holly? Butler or Juliet? His popcorn or Mulch Diggums? A hilarious story questioning the very balance at which the universe balances.. Will Artemis avoid disaster? Will he be late for dinner?


A/N: I had too much fun writing this. I just finished Artemis Fowl and the Atlantic Complex, and this little story would not get out of my mind. Don't worry; no spoilers. Also, this is kind of a sequel to my other story: Grin and Bare It. It is a parody of Artemis Fowl Fan fiction. Review if the desire strikes you.

Holly and Artemis lay lounging on the red couch in front of a huge T.V, just as the end credits of Eclipse scrolled past the screen. What Artemis didn't tell Holly was that Eclipse was not yet out on DVD, and he was once again dabbling into crime, as he had illegally downloaded it off of the Internet.

"Wow, that was a great movie," Holly breathed contently, in the arms of her one true love. "And they really got it out on DVD fast. I didn't think humans could do that."

"Oh, yeah," Artemis chuckled nervously, "They do those things really fast, now." He looked away shamefully. She could never know that he was committing crimes again.

"I think Bella and Edward are just perfect for each other. With him being an obsessive boyfriend and Bella being an obsessive girlfriend. I don't think you could find a better pair anywhere. I bet their wedding will be beautiful," Holly sighed.

"I think we are definably a better couple. You are all combative and manly, while I am a weak super-brainy- genius. I know our wedding will be better, Holly." She looked up suddenly at a mention of their future together and Artemis caught his _faux-pas._

"Oh, Artemis! Do you mean it? Will we really get married, even though we are from two different species, more than 70 years apart in age, and Eoin Colfier himself admitted that it was just creepy?"

"I don't care about any of that! You are the only girl for me! I can't imagine ever being with anyone else!" Just as Artemis was leaning in to kiss Holly firmly on the lips the door burst open, startling the lovers apart. At that moment burst in a shocked Minerva, with a crying dark haired baby on her hip.

"Artemis! I'm pregnant with your child, again! I also found out I contracted a magic sexually transmitted decease! After much studding, I concluded I got it from you after you did naughty, indescribable things with Holly!"

"Oh my gods, Artemis! Are you still seeing Minerva? I thought we settled this last books when, we mentioned her in the last few pages but then refused to acknowledge her existence for the next two books!" Both Holly and Minerva looked expectantly at Artemis till this cozy family gathering was interrupted by a Mulch Diggums shaped dwarf surfacing from the floor gracefully like a dolphin, only to catch a bowl of popcorn in his mouth before diving into the floor again as if it were water instead of $5,000 per sq. ft. marble. He emerged from a hole a few feet away.

"Nice marble, tasty. It is a bit salty thought…. Or maybe that's the popcorn." To test his own theory he took another $10,000 dollar bite out of the floor, and chewed slowly, with a thoughtful look on his face. "No. I think it is just salty. Bye" Then Mulch popped out of sight and the only sound that could be heard was the crying of Artemis's daughter, Astoria. This was immediately followed by the sound of Minerva crying in outrage.

Through the other door burst Foaly and Butler. They chorused in union: "Artemis, Opal has finally escaped and has mutated herself into a giant monster the size of Godzilla! She is literally running around Haven with No1 in her palm, crushing buildings with her overly ginormous feet! Only you can stop her by building a shrink ray out of things we have lying around, because all fairy communication and/or technology goes to shit, just when we need it! You must do it quick because everyone suspects you! " The two then turned to each other impressed that they managed to stay in sync. Just then another door appeared in the room and Juliet burst through it.

"Let's hit things!" she yelled. Artemis observed everyone in the room to make sure no one was about to say "gotcha", before he turned his head towards the stairs and yelled, "Mother, I may be late for dinner!" The group then rushed from the house and saved the world, again. Artemis was in fact, late for dinner.

A/N: Did you love it? You should tell me.


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